How Husbands and Wives Should Respond When Husbands Make the Wrong Decision

God has called husbands to be the head of the relationship and wives to submit to their husbands. What happens when husbands make the wrong decision? Read this material from Your Marriage God’s Way to learn how husbands and wives should respond.

The fear a wife can experience when submitting to her husband comes from realizing the possible consequences if he makes the wrong decision:

• “What happens if this decision ruins our family?”
• “What happens if he is unable to pay these bills?”
• “What happens if we can’t afford to eat?”
• “What happens if he shouldn’t take this job?”
• “What happens if we move there and it ends up being a disaster?”

A wife might be tempted to think, “If I am supposed to submit to my husband because God commands it and I should trust Him, then doesn’t this mean God will also make sure my husband makes the right decision?” No.

Husbands Are Going to Make Wrong Decisions

Because we humans are fallen and imperfect creatures, the inevitable reality is that a husband will sometimes make a wrong decision even as his wife chooses to submit to him. Sarah is a good example. She submitted to Abraham when he made a bad decision—on more than one occasion.

That brings us to the following questions: How should a husband respond when he realizes he has made a wrong decision? And how should a wife respond?

How Husbands Should Respond

A husband who makes a wrong decision should acknowledge his mistake without making excuses. If he wants to be his wife’s hero, he should admit, “You were right, and I was wrong.” If he deliberately did not listen to his wife because he was prideful and stubborn, he should realize those sinful attitudes and apologize: “I am sorry. Will you please forgive me? I was being prideful and stubborn.”

When a husband responds this way, these are the positive results:

• He blesses his wife.
• He encourages his wife to submit to him in the future.
• He sets an excellent example for his wife and children. Husbands must lead by making decisions for the family and by the example they set.

A husband’s behavior can influence the way his wife and children act:

• If a husband makes excuses, justifies himself, or blames his wife or children, he will likely end up with a wife and children who follow his example and make excuses, justify themselves, and blame others.
• If a husband humbles himself, takes responsibility for his actions, admits when he is wrong and asks for forgiveness, he will encourage his wife and children to accept responsibility for their actions, admit when they are wrong, and ask for forgiveness.

Telling Katie, “I am sorry. You were right, and I was wrong.”

Let me give a personal example. When Katie and I moved to Washington, I decided to rent our California house to a woman we knew. Katie told me, “Do not rent to that woman. She is not going to take care of our home.” I rented to her anyway, and soon, she invited her boyfriend to move in with her. Even though we had stipulated they were not supposed to have pets, they brought eight dogs and four cats into the home. The neighbors on both sides called me in Washington to complain about the barking and garbage. I received letters from the city threatening to fine me if the messes outside were not cleaned up.

When the woman’s lease was up, Katie said, “Thankfully, she’ll finally be out.” I, however, decided to try to recoup some of our losses by extending the woman’s rental agreement. Katie thought I was crazy. The realty company handling the property advised me to take legal action to garnish the woman’s wages. I chose not to because the woman claimed to be a Christian, and Scripture forbids taking fellow believers to court (1 Corinthians 6:5-7). Because a lack of rental payments meant no income for the realty company, they were upset with me, too. The house was trashed when the woman, her children, her boyfriend, and their animals moved out. I had lost thousands of dollars in rent and had to pay thousands of dollars in repairs so we could make the house inhabitable again.

There were several excuses I could have given Katie to justify my actions: “She was a family friend and single mother. I wanted to help her. There was no way of knowing this would happen.” (Even though Katie seemed to know!) Ultimately, though, there was only one correct response: “I am sorry. You were right, and I was wrong.”

How Wives Should Not Respond

A wife must resist two temptations when she willingly submits to her husband, and he ends up wrong. First, she may find herself thinking, I knew it would turn out this way. I should have kept arguing with him. If I hadn’t submitted to him, this never would’ve happened. I’m never going to submit to him again! Wives must instead remind themselves that they were still right for choosing to submit.

Second, she will be tempted to say these four little words: “I told you so!” Whether these words come from a wife, husband, child, parent, pastor, friend, or anyone else, they are always fleshly, prideful, and obnoxious. A vindictive attitude will only damage a marriage relationship, whereas forgiveness will bring healing and hopefully motivate the husband to be more careful when he makes decisions.

Responding Rightly to Wrong Decisions

If a husband genuinely considers his wife’s feedback and is truly prayerful as he makes a decision he believes is best for his family, should he be made to feel bad if his decision turns out to be a mistake? No.

The reality is that when a husband has made an effort to be spiritually right before God and has the best of intentions for his family yet still makes a wrong decision, more than likely, he already feels bad enough about what he has done. At this point, a husband needs his wife’s encouragement and grace. When a husband has the humility to admit he was wrong, a Christian wife should say, “Thank you for saying that. We all make mistakes. You did what you thought was best.”

Now, some husbands do not have the humility to admit they have made a wrong decision. Even then, a Christian wife should resist the urge to tell her husband, “I told you so.” Instead, she should pray for God to convict her husband of his stubbornness or pride and grant him humility and repentance.

Katie’s Wonderful Response When I Lost My Job

Let me illustrate this point with a situation from my marriage. While teaching elementary school, I learned of another position that would allow me to take better financial care of my family. During the drive to the interview, I prayed God would let me receive the job if that was the best next step for me. Before I left the interview, the position was offered to me, which I took as confirmation that this was God’s will.

The one drawback of accepting the job was losing my secure, tenured position at my former district. Soon after, a recession hit, and school districts cut back on new teachers. As a result, even though I had already been teaching for almost ten years, I was laid off. I had to go home and tell Katie, who was pregnant at the time, that I had lost not only my job but our excellent medical insurance. You can imagine I was feeling terrible about myself and my decision-making. I even felt frustrated with God for letting me take on a job I would lose quickly.

At this low point, Katie could have said, “You had a good, secure teaching position. Why didn’t you stick with that? You say that you prayed about this? Next time, pray a little harder! You’re supposed to be the spiritual leader of our family, and your prayers end up with you unemployed? You’re supposed to provide for our family but don’t have a job or insurance?”

Here is Katie’s response instead: “I am so excited to see what God is going to do!”

Katie was right. God did have a plan. This is when Grace Baptist, the church where I worked part-time, decided to hire me full-time. Even though they stepped out in faith because the budget was insufficient to support me, the church grew, and the annual giving exceeded expenses. I will never forget the way God provided and Katie supported me. That was what I needed more than anything else. My wife not only did not make me feel worse about my decision but was a constant encouragement to me.

Conclusion for Husbands and Wives

If you’re a strong Christian husband, when you’re wrong (not if you’re wrong, but when you’re wrong), be humble and admit it. If you were being proud and stubborn, ask for forgiveness. We owe that much to our wives and especially to God.

If you’re a Christian wife, when your husband is wrong, don’t say, “I told you so.” And don’t make him feel worse. Encourage him. Be the helper God designed you to be for him.