Five Threats to Christian Marriage Intimacy (Proverbs 5:18-19)

What are the greatest threats to Christian marriage intimacy? Read this material from Your Marriage God’s Way if you want better intimacy in your marriage.

God is for our marriages. Just as He wants other areas of our relationships to be strong, healthy, and joyful, He wants the same for Christian marriage intimacy.

The Threats We Face

God gave us marriage intimacy as a gift, but as sinful people in a fallen world, we have the potential to ruin anything good God gives us.¹ If we stay within God’s design for intimacy, we can experience God’s best for us. If we stray outside that design, we bring hurt, division, and pain into our marriage and personal lives.

Therefore, we must be proactive if we want to experience enjoyable physical intimacy with our spouse. Here are the most significant threats we face.

First, Selfish Attitudes Threaten Enjoyable Christian Marriage Intimacy

Husbands and wives should be committed to satisfying each other, but a Scripture passage must also be balanced in light of other Scripture passages. Suppose 1 Corinthians 7 was the only passage we were to consider about physical intimacy. In that case, we can quickly understand that it is acceptable to expect our spouse to satisfy our desires, regardless of how they feel. But we have other passages that mandate love, gentleness, compassion, and deference in marriage. While it would be unhealthy and even sinful to deprive our spouse of physical affection for selfish reasons, it can also be equally harmful and sinful to be physically demanding or insensitive toward our spouse.

Although Paul listed fasting and prayer as possible reasons for abstinence, common sense and simple consideration dictate there are other acceptable reasons—including sickness, pregnancy, and grief. When a spouse is suffering or struggling, he or she might find intimacy unattractive. Because physical intimacy should be an enjoyable experience for both partners, couples should strive to ensure a mutual level of comfort and interest in intimacy. Love and respect require caring about how the other person feels. Selfish and unkind attitudes threaten the joy and pleasure God desires for couples.

Second, Impurity Threatens Enjoyable Christian Marriage Intimacy

Of all the gifts God has given us, physical intimacy might be the one that is the most frequently abused and perverted. This fact is even more tragic when we consider that intimacy is most enjoyed when couples have pure hearts and minds. People who reserve all their desires and passions for their spouse will have the healthiest and happiest physical intimacy, which is why impurity is one of the greatest threats to intimacy.

Pornography

We should rip our eyes and minds away from anything that provokes feelings of physical attraction for anyone other than our spouse. Primarily, we should do this because God commands it as part of living a holy life: “This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Secondarily, we should do this because failing to do so destroys the physical attraction in marriage. Individuals who give themselves over to pornography or lust find very quickly that they have no physical attraction for their spouses.

Anytime impurity is an issue in a marriage, pornography almost always plays a role. My son Ricky recently shared with me how amazed he was that a bull can be controlled by a ring through its nose. He could not believe that a creature so big and powerful could be led around by something so small and insignificant. This is what pornography does with people: it does not matter how powerful or significant they are; when they introduce pornography into their lives, it enslaves and controls them.

Relationships with the Opposite Gender

We must also be concerned with what we set our hearts, thoughts, or feelings on. While there is nothing wrong with having friendships between people of different genders, we should be cautious about becoming too close to individuals of the opposite gender. Even if your feelings for someone are pure and healthy, you cannot control how that person may feel toward you, and you don’t want to become the object of someone else’s misplaced affection.

Regarding interactions with the opposite gender, it is best to err on the side of caution and avoid becoming “the good listener” or “shoulder to lean on.” This is especially true for married friends who should look to their spouse as a listener or someone to lean on. I recently learned of three prominent ministry leaders who experienced moral failure due to relationships with members of the opposite gender. More likely than not, each situation began with casual friendships that escalated as the individuals grew closer.

Third, Discontentment with Our Spouse Threatens Enjoyable Christian Marriage Intimacy

Much of marital faithfulness is rooted in contentment. Many in secular society view contentment as they view love—as a feeling or emotion over which they have no control. The Bible, however, presents contentment the same way it presents love—as a decision. In marriage, we choose to be content or discontent with our spouse. This is illustrated in Proverbs 5:18-19:

Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.

Several words in that passage reveal the pleasure God wants us to experience with our spouse: “blessed…satisfy…enraptured.” Several other words and phrases reveal we can choose to feel these ways toward our spouse: “Rejoice…Let her…satisfy you at all times…always be enraptured with her.” These are commands we can obey or disobey. Husbands and wives can choose to be content with their spouses, and this will go a long way in protecting their marriage and preserving their physical purity. The couple in Song of Solomon had eyes and feelings only for each other. They were completely content with each other. As a result, their physical intimacy was healthy and joyful.

Fourth, Lack of Physical Attraction Threatens Enjoyable Christian Marriage Intimacy

Let me offer you three recommendations if you’re not attracted to your spouse.

1. Pray for God to restore and even increase your eros or physical attraction. This is a beautiful request, and you can be confident that God wants to answer.
2. Practice agape, because that will naturally lead to physical attraction. Agape is a choice versus a feeling. Exercising agape, which means unconditionally sacrificing and loving your spouse, will grow your physical attraction because feelings follow actions. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established.” Do what’s right, and your emotions will follow your behavior.
3. Read the Song of Solomon with your spouse because the example set by the couple can help you both to enjoy the physical aspects of marriage.

Fifth, Mismatched Desires Threaten Enjoyable Christian Marriage Intimacy

Because no two people are the same, marriages often involve many differences that can lead to disagreements or problems regarding finances, parenting, organization, and punctuality. Among these differences is a mismatch in desires for physical intimacy. There will inevitably be times when one spouse desires physical intimacy, and the other does not.

Let me present a situation that can happen in any marriage. Spouse A desires intimacy, while Spouse B does not. While there are no contradictions in Scripture, there may be situations where biblical commands appear to conflict. For example:

• Spouse A might quote from 1 Corinthians 7 that spouses should not deprive each other and may even be insensitive enough to say, “I know you don’t want to do this, but I don’t care. You need to obey God and recognize your body belongs to me!”
• Spouse B might then respond, “Why don’t you flip forward a few chapters and read about love in 1 Corinthians 13? And go to Philippians 2, which says you’re not supposed to look out for your interests but to esteem others above yourself!”

So, should Spouse A’s desire for physical intimacy be satisfied, or Spouse B’s desire for no physical intimacy? We have seen in Scripture how God established a husband’s headship and a wife’s submission to break a stalemate, allowing the relationship to move forward. Still, we have also seen that husbands and wives have equal authority over each other’s bodies. As a result, unlike most impasses in marriage, it is not as easy as simply going with the husband’s decision. For lack of a better way to say it, “Who wins?”

Boiling any conflict down to the simple question “Who wins?” is not only selfish but will always cause problems. When I do marriage counseling, I try to avoid being a referee. That makes marriage look like a competition, with husbands and wives pitting themselves against each other on opposing teams. This could not be further from God’s desire when He joins two people and makes them one flesh.

We Should Seek to Please Our Spouse

Rather than seeking to win, a better approach for each spouse is to seek to die to oneself and please the other. If both spouses have this attitude, this is what will happen:

• Spouse A will appreciate Spouse B’s effort to satisfy Spouse A’s desire for intimacy even when Spouse B does not want to be intimate.
• Spouse B will appreciate when Spouse A puts Spouse B’s feelings ahead of Spouse A’s desires for intimacy.

This approach enables couples to maintain a strong relationship and often allows mismatched desires to resolve themselves. With that said, I would like to add an important disclaimer. If I had to suggest erring on one side or the other, I would recommend erring on the side of satisfying your spouse. Why? First Corinthians 7 commands husbands and wives to fulfill each other’s needs, and there are no competing scriptures that suggest believers are exempt from satisfying their spouses. Yes, we have considered biblical instruction about being loving, compassionate, and considerate toward our spouse. Still, those verses relate to the broader context of our actions and are not directly focused on marital intimacy. While we have a direct command to please our spouse, any verses we might think give us an out from pleasing our spouse must instead be inferred; they don’t specifically apply to intimacy. A direct command carries more weight than verses that require inferences or indirect application.

Consider the results of both courses of action. The potential consequences of not satisfying your spouse far outweigh the “consequences”—if you want to call it that—of satisfying your spouse. There are not many drawbacks to pleasing your husband or wife, but when a spouse goes without physical intimacy, he or she becomes more vulnerable to temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5).

A Final Encouragement

Let me conclude with this encouragement: We often think that the best marriages exist between people who are the most similar, whether it’s their views on parenting, finances, physical intimacy, or other important areas of life. But even the most compatible couple will have a miserable marriage if the spouses are selfish and insensitive. The healthiest relationships and most enjoyable physical intimacy exist between people who recognize their differences—no matter how great—and are committed to moving beyond those differences and being giving, selfless, and sacrificial. This applies to every area of marriage, including intimacy.

Selflessness can ensure we have enjoyable physical intimacy and the fullest intimacy with our spouse, while selfishness can destroy one of God’s most beautiful blessings for marriage. A “put the other person before self” mindset is one of the main ingredients for a joyful, Christ-centered relationship. And what does this have to do with Christ? Only through our relationship with Him can we enjoy this sort of relationship with our spouse.

1. Because we are sinners, we have the potential to destroy even the blessings God gives us. We can turn any good thing into a god or idol. One such example occurred with the bronze serpent Moses made in Numbers 21. Israel complained, and as a judgment, God sent poisonous snakes into the camp:
   The people came to Moses, and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Lord and against you; pray to the Lord that He take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people.
   Then the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent, and set it on a pole; and it shall be that everyone who is bitten, when he looks at it, shall live.” So Moses made a bronze serpent, and put it on a pole; and so it was, if a serpent had bitten anyone, when he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived” (Numbers 21:7-9).
   Tragically, over time, people began to worship the bronze serpent. When Hezekiah reformed the nation and destroyed the idolatry, he had to include the bronze serpent, which by then had developed its own name:
   [Hezekiah] removed the high places and broke the sacred pillars, cut down the wooden image and broke in pieces the bronze serpent that Moses had made; for until those days the children of Israel burned incense to it, and called it Nehushtan” (2 Kings 18:4).
   The object that brought miraculous healing had become an idol. Nehushtan serves as a reminder that we must be vigilant against taking any of God’s blessings—such as intimacy, marriage, children, homes, relationships, money, or jobs—and allowing our relationships with them to become sinful. Scripture doesn’t forbid any of these blessings, but we are forbidden from making them idols. Physical intimacy within marriage is no more immoral than the bronze serpent; however, when we become preoccupied with or worship physical intimacy, it becomes Nehushtan. ↩︎